Confidence and self-esteem can be among the most admirable qualities someone can possess. But if we aren’t taught how to have self-confidence during our youth, it can make adulthood self-conscious and insecure.
“Happiness takes many forms, and we want our children to have a skill set that brings out self-confidence,” says Eva Moskowitz, Ph.D., CEO of the Success Academy charter school system and author of A+ Parenting: The Surprisingly Fun Guide to Raising Surprisingly Smart Kids.
“In a fast-paced, highly scheduled world, with many external events occurring regularly, we can forget that intellectual engagement is actually a pretty important part of a child’s happiness and confidence,” says Moskowitz Fortune.
The educator and mother of three weighs in on how to raise and motivate children to be more confident and happy.
Pushing children beyond what is “easy”
Often, parents and educators believe that self-confidence grows by having children perform tasks that are easily accomplished, Moskowitz says. In his experience, however, this is not exactly the case.
“Self-confidence comes when children face a struggle, when they are given a difficult math problem or given a difficult opponent,” she says. “When they’re given a difficult learning task and they get to the other side, that’s what builds confidence. And we take that away from children at our peril and, frankly, at their peril.
In a world of instant gratification, it’s easy to get burned out when you don’t get immediate results. But success and self-confidence come from navigating and recovering from failure, Moskowitz says. Plus, it feels great to finally accomplish something you’ve worked for.
“I think we’ve lost a little bit of the sense that the most successful people have already failed before,” he says.
Ariel Skelley—Getty Images
Sports and clubs can teach some skills better than the classroom
After-school activities such as sports, drama, debate teams and other clubs play a vital role in creating what Moskowitz calls “intellectually vibrant” children – who are intellectually stimulated, energized and stimulated – which increases confidence and happiness.
“The concept of recovery from failure and the need for resilience are sometimes actually easier to teach in the context of sports or other team activities than in a classroom,” he says. “Have faith in yourself; you can get it in the theater and in the debate team in a way that is more difficult to develop, for example, in an English or mathematics class.
Moskowitz worries, however, about the barriers that make it difficult for children to have these experiences. For example, economic factors may make it difficult for some kids to participate in after-school activities they might enjoy, such as sports that require a fee or purchasing equipment to play.
Teach coping mechanisms for anxiety and stress
School, home life, friendships, extracurricular activities, and even things like appearance and crushes are factors that can weigh heavily on children of all ages, leading to stress and anxiety.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, childhood anxiety disorders affect one in eight children and nearly one in four adolescents. Anxiety can reduce self-confidence, but some of it is normal and healthy, says Moskowitz: “It’s a bit of a Goldilocks theory.”
Every child responds to stressors differently, so it’s important to be in tune with their behavior and how they respond to academic rigor or their social environment, Moskowitz says.
“Most children can learn to manage stress,” she says. “You won’t be able to completely protect them from the pull of the outside world, whether it’s economic pressures or any other influences in their lives or, frankly, world events.”
She adds, “We really owe it to our kids to help them deal with these stressors and be able to talk to them about what they’re feeling and how to deal with those feelings.”
To help a child with anxiety, try teaching him the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 grounding method or a version of I spy. Ask them to identify five things they can see, four things they can touch, three things they can hear, two things they can smell, and one thing they can taste. This will help engage their senses and calm their nerves. This method can be useful at any age.
If a child has the tools to ground themselves and knows how to express what they feel, they can have confidence in their ability to deal with stress and anxiety.
Parents: Enjoy parenting
It’s easy to get caught up in the chaos that surrounds parenting: frantic school drop-offs, tired kids (and yourself), a million and one things on an endless to-do list. But even children understand when you’re stressed.
“If you impose your angst and parenting stress on your children, they won’t enjoy childhood as much as they can and you won’t enjoy being a parent,” Moskowitz says. “And it’s really important for your child to know that he enjoys being a parent, being They parent.”
Watch movies and TV shows with your kids You really have fun and play You likes to play, he says. Do these things not only to bond with each other, but also to ensure that you are happy.
“There’s a model of parenting that’s all about self-sacrifice, and you can take all the joy out of parenting if you’re not careful,” Moskowitz says. “And that will have a negative impact on your children.”
For more parenting tips:
Sign up for Well Adjusted, our newsletter full of simple strategies for working smarter and living better, from the Fortune Well team. Registration for free today.