Many unhealthy relationship dynamics are fueled by poor communication skills.
As a Harvard-trained psychologist who has spent 20 years working with couples, I have found that the most harmful way to communicate with your partner is with contempt.
Contempt is the belief that a person is inferior to you, worthless, or deserving of contempt and ridicule. When someone feels contempt for their partner, they feel justified in humiliating, embarrassing, or hurting them.
A phrase that reflects contempt, and which I have seen destroy relationships the most, is: “I wish we had never met.”
Here are some other phrases where contempt might manifest itself:
- “You ruined my life.”
- “You’re a nuisance.”
- “I don’t care what you think or how you feel.”
- “You’re pathetic.”
- “You’re not worth my time.”
- “You owe me. I put up with you for years.”
- “If we hadn’t had children, I would have left you already.”
- “You disgust me.”
- “No one else would want you.”
Contempt can also be communicated through nonverbal gestures, such as disdainful body language or dramatic eye rolling.
All of this serves to belittle the other person and create a power discrepancy. It can ultimately ruin the foundation of a healthy romantic connection and lead to less relationship satisfaction.
How to create healthier relationship dynamics
If you find that you feel contempt for your partner, there are ways to combat it so it doesn’t damage your relationship:
- Break. When you feel nervous or emotionally upset, take a moment before you say anything. Choose your words carefully and try to communicate with respect and kindness, without causing harm.
- Take responsibility. This includes recognizing your choices, your patterns, and your involvement in the dysfunction.
- Excuse me. Honestly say you’re sorry when you do something hurtful or mean.
- Learn to argue productively. You and your partner are a team. The goal is to communicate in ways that recognize your commitment, desire to connect, and mutual respect for each other.
- Tap into your love for your partner. When you want to criticize or change them, remember why you came together in the first place before providing constructive feedback.
The biggest advice I give to people is to try to find gratitude. There is always something to learn from discord in our relationships. Look for something positive you can take away from every interaction, even if the process is unsettling.
Dr. Cortney S. WarrenPhD, is a certified psychologist and author of “Letting go of your ex.” She specializes in love additions and breakups and received her clinical training at Harvard Medical School. You have written nearly 50 articles in peer-reviewed journals and given more than 75 presentations on the psychology of relationships. Follow her on Instagram @DrCortneyWarren.
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