Dear Quentin,
I have a good friend who I love very much. He is one of those people with whom I feel very comfortable, as if I have known him for years. It’s hard to make friends in New York. People have so little time for friendship after work, the gym, kickboxing classes, therapy, checking their stock portfolio and, frankly, planning their next move up the corporate ladder. I grew up in the Midwest, so I expected people to have more time to develop friendships. This friend has committed, which means we meet once a week for dinner for about an hour and a half.
He called me this morning to invite me to a concert at Carnegie Hall. I’m not a big classical music fan (I usually fall asleep at the opera) but I said I would go and try to develop a taste for classical music. It’s better to sit at home or watch all those commercials in the cinema. He said, “Great, can’t wait to see you.” But before hanging up, he added, “It would be nice if you took me to dinner.” It was 8 a.m. — early to call anyone, but the point is, I was tired — so I said, “Sure!”
However I was shocked and didn’t know what to say. I invited her to the theater in the past and didn’t expect her to buy me dinner. In fact, the last time I took him to the theater, I also brought another friend and ended up taking that other friend to dinner! I didn’t mind, because I see it as “what goes around, comes around”, in a good way. I try not to keep track of who invites who and assume that everything works well and on par. But now I’m faced with an evening with this friend where I feel obligated, or obligated, to buy him dinner.
It takes away the value of the gesture if you were asked to withdraw your credit card. What would you do? Is this normal behavior?
Friend in need
Related: ‘I felt humiliated’: She handed her credit card to the waiter on the way to the bathroom. Is it emasculating for a woman to pay for dinner on a first date?
“Some people have certain social protocols to make life easier, especially in an expensive city like New York.”
MarketWatch illustration
Dear friend,
It would be nice – to use your friend’s phrase – if he had phrased his question differently: “Would you like to see this concert at Carnegie Hall? I’ll buy the tickets and you can dine.” It’s not the fanciest way to offer an invitation, but at least it sets the conditions up front. Wouldn’t you want to accept a free ticket from a stranger on the street who then pointed out a nearby restaurant and said added: “Now you have to buy me dinner!” Taking him to dinner seems right, but he is asked to do it After you accepted his invitation to the theater is a joke.
There is another unspoken question here. The invitation seems targeted, and if it seems targeted, it probably is. You have your social contract, which may be less transactional on the surface but may not work as consistently, leaving room for a missed dinner invitation here and a missed theater invitation there. This can leave people who have a different way of behaving with a bee in the bonnet: “I paid the last time we went to Carnegie Hall and he didn’t even buy me dinner!” – even if you feel you have returned the favor in other ways.
Some people have certain social protocols to make life easier, especially in an expensive city like New York. For example, if a person purchases a $20 glass of wine, it is polite for him to say to his companion, “Let me tip you $20, because I had a drink and I don’t think it’s fair that you have to pay for my wine.” wine”. alcohol.” And the next time they meet and the same thing happens with the other friend, they can say, “I’ll get the tip.” That is, the protocol is understood. The problem here is that tickets to Carnegie Hall go from $81 to $224, so not a cheap night out.
What are you doing? You won’t like the concert, especially since you’re only going because he had an extra ticket and you think you’re doing him a favor by trying not to sleep during the concert. And you certainly won’t enjoy your meal, knowing that you were asked to show your credit card at the end. The beauty of offering an invitation is that it’s a gift, a gift with monetary value, sure, and also one that says your friend wants to spend time with you. So you won’t be doing him any favors if you go now.
If you have, say, three days or more before the event, decline. She makes a polite excuse and the next time you meet for dinner, she picks up the check.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
The Moneyist regrets that it cannot answer questions individually.
Previous articles by Quentin Fottrell:
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‘Things haven’t been easy’: My sister is a hoarder and procrastinator. You are delaying the succession of our parents’ estate. What can I do?
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