I want to help a friend who is going through some difficulties with her husband. My friend and her husband are both from India and work in the Pacific Northwest. They have two 2-year-old twin daughters. My friend’s husband seems to be a friendly and pleasant person and has an extremely wide circle of friends.
My friend, however, complains of having a short temper and being extremely controlling. My friends and I have witnessed her controlling behavior, where she has to handle the kids completely alone and her husband doesn’t seem to care to help her at all. Furthermore, she controls what she does and who she visits.
She complained that her husband forced her to leave the house on several occasions. Several friends and I visit the couple on social occasions and veer between completely ignoring him and begging him to be more available around the house. She simply ignores our advice. We didn’t see our friend kicked out of the house, but I take her word for it.
A “lost” passport.
My friend’s husband prevented her from continuing her job and now she is forced to be a housewife, which she doesn’t like. It may seem unbelievable and is obviously unfair, but in some cultures it is quite common for women to be treated this way. We friends have often discussed the issue and debated how we can help her.
These discussions often end with “We shouldn’t interfere in their life” or “It’s her fight and she should push back and know what to do.” Although on some level we may not be sure or want to ruin our friendship with her husband. My friend recently told her friends that her husband has “lost” his passport and will not file a police report or get a new one.
Today she told me that she is so fed up that she just wants to go to her parents in India, but she doesn’t have a passport. Sometimes I suspect that her husband is simply hiding her passport from her. I often thought that maybe I should have just called the authorities, explained the problem to them, and let them help her.
However, I’m not even sure if this is the right step. What should we do?
Confused friend
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“Coercive control and financial abuse are often tied together.”
MarketWatch illustration
Dear friend,
No one knows what happens inside a relationship except the people involved.
However, there are signs of coercive control and financial and domestic abuse that should not be ignored, whether you are a friend, a family member or a hairdresser, manicurist or neighbor. We should all remain vigilant. You can’t live someone’s life for them, but you can give them information to help them become aware of what’s happening.
Coercive control and financial abuse are often linked together. The vast majority of domestic abuse cases also involve economic abuse, and finances are one of the main reasons a person stays with or returns to an abusive partner, as noted in research from the University of California’s Center for Financial Security. Wisconsin-Madison. The fact that your friend’s husband pressured her to quit her job is a bad sign.
Unfortunately the signs are all there. Your friend’s husband has taken away her source of income and ability to travel, and she is completely dependent on him for her money. Financial control and the gradual dismantling of self-confidence go hand in hand. Other signs include economic exploitation where the abusive partner forces their partner to take out a line of debt, or does so in her name.
How to escape financial exploitation
I am extremely reluctant to confuse your friend’s husband’s cultural background with his behavior. Men exerting coercive control over their wives crosses all geographic boundaries, and domestic abuse is something of an epidemic in the United States
“Intimate partner violence is a persistent public health problem that affects millions of Americans each year and disproportionately affects women and some racial/ethnic minority groups,” according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Your friend’s marriage and life may now be her new normal, so if you feel she is in danger of being controlled and manipulated, explain the signs to her and tell her you are concerned about her long-term well-being. A year old can turn into a 10 year old in the blink of an eye, and if she can’t do it for herself, she might be willing to do it for her twin daughters.
Victims of domestic abuse must be financially prepared to leave, as escaping is only half the battle, says Kansas City, Missouri-based law firm Hale Robinson & Robinson. They must support themselves once they escape the relationship, otherwise their chances of success will decrease. “Transportation, shelter, food and funds for the ensuing legal battle must be obtained,” the company adds.
There are women’s centers that have a detailed action plan on how to get out of an abusive relationship, including the documents you should bring with you. These include bank account numbers, credit union and 401(k) information, copies of car titles and tax returns from the last three years, as well as your partner’s Social Security and banking details.
I wish you good luck in your efforts to protect your friend and good luck to her.
Read next: I lost $240,000 after a “friend” I met on Instagram encouraged me to invest in cryptocurrencies. Can I write off my loss?
Are you experiencing domestic violence or coercive control? Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org. Free from works to establish financial security for survivors of domestic violence, and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence supports efforts to change the conditions that lead to domestic violence and coercive control.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
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