I’m in my early fifties, divorced and working full time, and for the past 12 years I’ve raised my only child, a teenage daughter, alone. My daughter is estranged from her father, who pays her child support. We live in Connecticut.
My parents both passed away last year. I left the family home 34 years ago. I have one brother: a slightly older sister who has never left the family home, never went to college, never married, never had a driver’s license, and has no children. I don’t think she ever had to pay rent.
My parents, my sister and I are civil servants with pensions. My sister earned a good high school diploma and is already eligible to retire. Her job leaves her with a lot of free time, including holidays and the entire summer.
When our last parent became ill, she became their caretaker. There was a lot of money in pensions and retirement accounts that she could use for home health care, medical expenses, household expenses and finally funeral expenses.
“He never stopped working”
He never stopped working on all of this and had power of attorney over all of their accounts. She was evasive with me about the amount of money she was overseeing and I never pushed the issue.
My parents’ house has been paid off for several years now and both parents’ names are on the deed. They had no will, but named us both equal beneficiaries on all accounts. Those funds have been distributed.
My sister has been avoiding the issue of succession for several months. She continues to be evasive about the costs associated with the house, but she assures me that everything will be paid for. She has a history of procrastination and has been accumulating for decades. As time goes by, standing space inside the house decreases significantly.
Through probate, our parents’ home and assets will need to be divided between the two of us. Since I can’t imagine my sister ever finding the means to move or prepare the house for sale, I would like her to buy my half of the house so that my daughter and I can live a more secure life.
I finished paying off the loans
We rent and things have not been easy for us. I paid for college myself and finished paying off all my loans three years ago. I plan on sending my daughter to college in a few years and I have a 529 plan for her that is only worth about $15,000. I’ve been making a lot of sacrifices to save money for my retirement for a long time, but I’ll probably never be sure that it’s enough.
My sister has been involved in many activities which she says are the reason we cannot start this succession process now. The people around me push me to be more assertive. I’ve called the relevant municipal offices, I have the certified copy of the house deed and some questions, but I don’t feel qualified to do it correctly on my own.
I know there are mediators and lawyers who can help, but I don’t know the best way to take control of the situation without spending a lot of money. What do you suggest would be the fairest and fastest way to make this happen when a person passively resists?
Feeling stuck
Related: My mother had a trust, so why do we still need probate to settle her estate?
“The good news is that all legal fees will likely be paid out of your parents’ estate, so you won’t have any upfront legal fees.”
MarketWatch illustration
Dear stuck,
It’s time to call a lawyer. Delaying this process could cost you dearly.
In Connecticut, you have up to 30 days to file for probate; after which you could incur fines. “Probate fees are set by law and are uniform throughout the state,” according to the Connecticut probate court system. “Interest at the rate of 0.5% per month accrues on all unpaid fees on decedent estates beginning 30 days after the invoice date or, if a Connecticut estate tax return has not been filed within the required time, starting 30 days after the return was due.You can access an online calculator to estimate probate court fees here.
The good news is that all legal fees will likely be paid from your parents’ estate, so you will have no upfront legal fees. The executor should have been chosen by the person who wrote the will; If your sister is unable to assume these responsibilities, she speaks with a trusts and estates attorney about petitioning the court to remove your sister as executor. You may decide to keep your sister as executor but, after explaining the financial implications to her, proceed with the help of your lawyer.
Your sister has proven to be a hard worker, in your opinion, but she needs help in this process and she needs help with other aspects of her life. Removing his position as executor would be time-consuming and costly. Possible reasons for removing an executor include serious behavior such as theft or waste of estate assets or lack of cooperation with the administration of the estate. Removing an executor can be a complicated and expensive process, and one that risks squandering even more money from your parents’ estate.
Personal matters
The legal aspect of your story has, perhaps inevitably, become intertwined with your personal stories. In your letter you identify your sister mainly by what she doesn’t have: husband, children, driving license, etc. But she also demonstrated that she was capable and had many other positive qualities: she was a carer and she worked hard as a civil servant to build up a pension that would allow her to retire. What she lacks now is support, which both you and an attorney can provide. The nature of such support is legal, practical and also emotional. Providing the latter could be the key to the rest.
Hoarding disorder is recognized as a mental health condition by the medical profession. An outsider may see dust and dirt, as well as cramped and potentially dangerous living conditions, but they don’t always see what lies underneath: fear, pain and potentially other neuropsychiatric disorders, including obsessive-compulsive disorder. Your sister, of course, would need to be diagnosed by a doctor. Procrastination is also positively related to anxiety. Again, outsiders might mistake this for disinterest or laziness.
It may be that frustration with your sister is a familiar feeling and one that you are willing to endure. But just as your sister shouldn’t be allowed to let very important matters interfere with probing your parents’ assets, you shouldn’t let your relationship with your sister stop you from taking action. First, you will have the legal process, which will develop if you ask for help from a lawyer. Next, you will have the equally important task of encouraging your sister to seek support from a therapist who may be able to help her move forward.
Your succession impasse proves that no problem exists in isolation.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
The Moneyist regrets that it cannot answer questions individually.
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