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I was at my daughter’s dance recital when I received the news that would change our lives: My husband Harry had cancer.
Harry and I met in Germany when I had just turned 30. I had moved there for work and I fell in love with him the first day I saw him. He had an infectious smile and a way of moving through life that honored the small moments and created space for big adventures during our 19-year partnership.
Harry was a planner, which made his life full, but there was no foundation that could have prepared us for the last two years of his life, spent battling cancer. They were the most difficult years my family and I endured, but they also taught me the most about love, hope, and leadership.
As the leader of a global company that supports seniors through home care, I’m used to helping caregivers and families cope with loss, but losing Harry was a completely different experience. I hit rock bottom and learned a lot about how we show up and talk about pain.
Death and pain are inevitable in life, yet even in my industry we need to talk about it more. As embarrassing as it may be, the more we normalize conversations about death and grief, the better positioned we are to support those around us who are affected by grief. Here’s what my experience has taught me:
Related: Grief and loss can seriously affect your ability to work. Here’s how to create a workplace that supports those going through this situation.
Being vulnerable builds better relationships in the workplace
As the CEO of a rapidly growing company, I was used to showing up to work with positivity to set the tone for my team. As I faced the loss of Harry and the most difficult obstacle of my life, however, I decided not to hide what I was going through from my team. Instead I showed up to work exactly as I was.
For me, the best way to support myself and my team was to be honest about what I was going through. If I were sad one day, I would tell my colleagues. I didn’t want to be on tiptoe and it was important that my team felt comfortable involving me in workplace conversations. If I expected transparency, I needed to lead by example.
By openly addressing pain, I realized there was a deeper level of vulnerability I could tap into, and this made many of my connections in the workplace stronger. The more open I became with my team, the easier it was to find alignment.
Being vulnerable at work has long been considered a weakness or a lack of professionalism, but opening up about my pain to my team has brought us closer. It also gave us a more personal understanding of how we could better care for our clients and the healthcare professionals who support them with their healthcare challenges on an ongoing basis.
There’s a reason: Leading research links vulnerability to better team performance and a stronger sense of trust and inclusion within company culture.
Supporting our “whole person” at work leads to better results
Having survived one of the worst cards life could throw at me, after Harry’s death, I began to reevaluate what was important to me in both life and work.
Not only has my facade of putting my best face forward at work vanished, but my conversations with my team have changed. I have always cared about my team as people, but keenly aware of our mortality, I have become even more focused on learning about their hopes and dreams. I have given my all to support myself and my team in reaching our true potential both personally and professionally.
When you’ve broken through and overcome the most difficult obstacle you’ve ever faced, you realize that you can overcome anything. Instead of focusing on rigid goals and outcomes, we focused on what mattered most and trusted our abilities to achieve the best results.
As we became more focused and satisfied in all aspects of our lives, we began to see incredible results. I started inviting anyone I wanted to build a better bond with out for coffee or dinner, and if I had to pick up my daughter from school, I left work at 3pm without feeling guilty.
It’s amazing what kind of life you can create when you put the right energy and focus on it. As we made room for our personal goals, we thrived even more professionally: our caregivers’ net promoter scores went from the low 60s to a world-class score of 74, and we experienced significantly less turnover. Not only has there been a renewed focus on fun, balance, and making dreams come true, but we’ve created more autonomy for each other to do our jobs.
Related: 6 Ways Pain Can Transform Your Business and Mindset
Normalize the conversation about death and pain at work
When I engage in any kind of public discourse now, it is important to talk about Harry. He may make people uncomfortable at first, but they always come to thank me afterwards.
When you normalize conversations about death and grief, you create space for people to heal and, in turn, help those who support them. At work, we’re used to adhering to professional boundaries, and that’s healthy, but within them there’s room for conversations about death and grief.
Dr. Brene Brown, widely known for her work on shame, vulnerability and leadership, suggests clarifying the intention behind sharing vulnerable information such as your experience with pain or death at work.
For example, in our work, families and carers might support someone with a terminal illness. Just acknowledging the conversation about death can lead to new ways of bringing happiness and joy to every step of their journey, right up to the end.
It’s been almost three years since I lost Harry. The experience has forever changed the way I live and the way I drive. I love the life I had when Harry was alive. And in many ways, my life is even fuller now, because I have a greater understanding of how to live it: this is Harry’s gift to me.
My hope is that by creating a work culture where openness about pain is encouraged, my team will find more connection and support in the face of this inevitable human experience.
Related: Being vulnerable is the boldest act of business leadership